The Normal Life of Not So Normal People
by Byakuzee
Summary: A series of somewhat connected oneshots, talking about the normal days for the people that Devil May Cry was all about.
1. Answering The Phone

_Hello._

_This is my oneshot dump, everything goes._

Title: Answering The Phone.  
>Timeline: Two years after DMC3. AU where Vergil returns to the human world.<br>Characters/Pairings: Dante, Vergil.  
>Genre: Humor.<br>Summury: "Remind me not to let you answer the phone again."

* * *

><p><strong>The Normal Life of Not So Normal People<strong>

Answering The Phone

* * *

><p>"Why do I feel like I just committed a horrible mistake?" Dante asked himself. The reason for his question was none other than his cold, deadly, power-hungry, human hating older brother.<p>

Two years after the Temen Ni Gru incident, Dante was surprised to find his supposedly dead brother at his door step. And after the obligatory fighting and arguing, they sat down for a talk.

_What is he doing here? How did he manage to get away from there?_

He asked and didn't receive an answer, so he didn't press it; when the time comes he'll know.

"What are you going to do now?" Dante asked him. It was obvious that a person who came back from the demon world wouldn't be expected to have any cash on him. "I'm not going to beg the neighbors to let you stay with them, sure they're gang leaders, but no one deserves to put up with _you_."

"What are you implying?" Vergil shot his twin a questioning look. "I'll just stay here," he continued cheerfully (well, as cheerful as he could look).

"Oh, hell no!" Dante panicked,_ what hideous crime did he do to deserve such fate?_

* * *

><p>Somehow, his brother managed to stay at the shop, take over his room and make him sleep in the guest room - if you could call a dusty, stinky, rotten, rat infested room a guest room. The bastard has such way with words that would make anyone feel terribly guilty for no apparent reason.<p>

It was nice though; living again with a family member. No matter how much of an asshole Vergil is, he was still family. This situation kinda reminded him of a better times, back when his parents were still alive.

The first few days were awkward to say the least. Vergil would just sit there and quietly pretend to read a book, all while Dante sat in his usual way and waited for the phone to ring with a promise of a job that would get him out of this silent awkwardness.

Believe it or not, it was pizza that broke the ice. Simply because Vergil noticed how much he consumed it. He started pointing out how unhealthy his eating habits were, and how pizza was really overrated, a note that made Dante gasp in horror at the absurdity of it.

After that day, they started talking, or in their case, arguing. And with three months passing after his brother's arrival, things were looking good. Dante even got used to Vergil's habit of complaining about everything he did.

_Now that brings us to the problem, _he mused.

With him doing the demon hunting, Vergil will be alone in the shop. Telling him to be useful useful, he asked Vergil to answer the phone while he was out.

And that was a huge mistake.

Dante started counting how many customers are going to file a lawsuit against him, he really, _really_ hoped that his brother would answer the phone the way he told him to.

* * *

><p><em>"When the phone rings what do you do?"<em>

_"Dante, are you mistaking me for a child?" Vergil asked, irritated beyond belief._

_Ignoring him, Dante repeated, "When the phone rings what do you do?_

_Vergil sighed, "I'll answer it."_

_"Good, what do say afterwards?"_

_"Die?"_

_"Haha good one, no. Seriously what?"_

_"Devil may not cry."_

_"What the hel... Verge stop smirking dammit! You don't know these folks; one wrong word and bam! Me in court!"_

_"It makes it harder to understand why would you bother protecting them. If I were you I would-"_

_"Plot the world's end. Again. Look, do this as a favor for me since you refused to go hunting with me, just answer the damn phone!"_

_"Perhaps I can humour you and do that," Vergil said, "do not expect me to be nice with them though," he continued, looking utterly disgusted by the idea of being nice to anyone on the planet._

* * *

><p>"Yup, I'm doomed."<p>

* * *

><p>(Back at the Devil May Cry)<p>

_Have humans always been this annoying? _Vergil thought while hanging up on the latest caller.

His job was simple: he just has to answer, write down the address and give it to his brother when he returns.

But life wasn't simple.

For the past two hours, nothing came up but:

_"Yeah, you like totally won two million dollars man!"_ This was, as his brother dubbed, a _prank call_.

_"My kitty has been lost for two days, can you get her back to me?" _This one was the '_I lost a cat' _call. It was truly amazing to know how many humans lose their cats in a day.

_"Kill Big Bird for me and you will get paid in five days." _As much as he was pleased to hear about this job, he couldn't write it down; Dante refused to do these kinds of gigs strongly.

_"MY CAT HAS BEEN MISSING FOR TWENTY YEARS AND I WILL CURSE YOU FOR IT YOU BASTARD!"_ And this was the_ 'crazy old woman' _call, his brother advised him to just ignore them no matter how creepy they were.

And much to his bad luck, these calls weren't the only ones.

_"FANGIRLS! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE...Y-YOU ARE ONE OF THEM, AREN'T YOU?!"_

...

_"I just want to chat with someone, I kinda feel lonely you know."_

...

_"Umm... what was my reason for calling again?"_

...

_"HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH ME?! I TREATED YOU WITH SO MUCH CARE H... WRONG NUMBER? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE FOOLING JAKE?! VERGIL? WHERE IN HELL DID YOU BRING THAT NAME FROM?!"_

By the end of the day, he vowed to hunt down these callers and make them pay. He gained a new found respect for his brother; to put up with these calls every single day and still have his sanity was miraculous, down right impossible even.

*RRRRIING!*

"Devil will not cry, how may I not in a million years help you?"

_"THERE IS A DEMON, A DEMON!"_

Finally!

"Tell me where your house is located and I'll send help."

_"East side, 23th Street. Please hurry, she's here!"_

"She?"

_"Yeah, my mother in la-"_

Vergil violently hung up the phone.

_*_RRRRIING!*

"What?!" he snapped, forgetting to say the shop's name.

_"Is this the dry cleaner's? Whatever, so where is my jacket?"_

"THIS IS NOT... wait, tell me your address."

* * *

><p>(Ten minutes later)<p>

_"NO PLEASE DON'T KILL ME. NOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

* * *

><p>When Dante returned to the shop, his brother greeted him and asked him how was the job he took.<p>

_Vergil never asks._

"Nothing much, just some Hell Prides," Dante answered, sitting. He then asked anxiously, "So, got any calls?"

And then, a catastrophe happened, one that _really_ creeped him out.

His brother smiled. He didn't smirk, _smiled_.

_Vergil never smiles._

_"_No," he replied and kept on smiling.

There were times when Vergil smiled like that and it involved a bitter and horrible fate.

"OK then..." Dante was suspicious, but he'd look into it later.

The news channel came into view after he turned on the TV, and the headline almost made him drop the remote in shock.

_"A series of brutal assaults broke into the city today. Fortunately, there were no deaths. The police advises to stay in your houses for the next 24 hours..."_

"Vergil."

"Yes?"

"Remind me not to let you answer the phone again."

"Gladly."


	2. A Hellish Movie Marathon

Title: A Hellish Movie Marathon.  
>Timeline: Two years after DMC3. AU where Vergil returns to the human world.<br>Characters/Pairings: Dante, Vergil.  
>Genre: Humor.<br>Summary: "Does a movie called 'A Lovely Story of A Lovely Love' seem like a Kung Fu or even a horror movie to you?"

* * *

><p>A Hellish Movie Marathon<p>

* * *

><p><em>So this is a movie theater.<em>

It was the first time that Vergil entered one. He really didn't have the enough time to visit one; opening the gates to the demon world makes a person busy as you know.

Even now, he still didn't want to go; he couldn't see the use behind going there in the first place. But Dante heard none of it and took it upon himself to nag him, reasoning that since he broke the TV, he should entertain him (to his defense, these ads were so annoying that he couldn't take it anymore and broke it).

It all started when that useless agent of Dante stopped by, looking thoroughly drunk. He offered to give them two tickets to some movie marathon with the prize of twenty thousand dollars for the last one who stays. When he got asked as to why he was not going himself, he said he was busy with a date.

_Now who would date this guy? _Vergil wondered.

Nonetheless, that was enough to convince his brother. And after the agent had left, he turned to him smiling like sunshine.

_This is not good._

When they were little, very bad things tended to happen every time Dante smiled like that. Being almost arrested at five should give some clue about it.

"So Vergil," Dante started, still smiling, "how about going with me? I don't like going to the movies alone; no one to throw popcorn at."

"How about no?"

"I'll give you half the prize"

"Alright," Vergil immediately replied. _What? He needed some money too._

Little did they know, Enzo had been somewhat suicidal today, so he decided that pranking the twins was a very good idea.

It obviously wasn't.

* * *

><p>The theater wasn't that far from the shop so they had walked to it.<p>

"I hope they have the new Kung Fu movie I saw on the TV last night," Dante said excitedly.

_Why would he want to watch them? These movies' English dub are terrible._

"So what genre do you like to watch, Verge?" Dante asked, slowing a bit.

"I prefer not to waste my time on these things. But if you insist to know, I happen to like horror movies," was Vergil's answer.

Dante was surprised that his brother answered. "Why?"

"They're the only ones that end badly." He smirked evilly.

_True to the graceful image of a villain, _Dante thought smiling, _some things never change._

Finally they reached the theater, which was crowded this night for some reason.

For the sake of blending in, he and Vergil wore normal clothes. He didn't think that going with their coats would be a good idea honestly.

After giving the tickets, they took their seats and waited. Being his junk-food loving self, Dante told Vergil that he was going to buy some snacks two minutes after. "Do want me to get you something?"

"No." Hearing that, Dante shrugged and headed out.

And as he was exiting throughout the door, he noticed that this place was_ really_ getting crowded by girls. _Not that I'm not happy about it, but it's kinda weird._

He thought about it for a second and then choose to ignore it; he had other things to worry about.

_Like how to choose between a strawberry sundae and strawberry milkshake._

_Sundae._

_Milkshake._

_Sundae._

_Milkshake._

_Sund..._

"Both!" he exclaimed, earning a few odd looks from the people around him.

Seeing that he didn't have to stand in line to buy what he wanted, his mood instantly brightened. And much to his good luck, there was a cutie selling across the counter. Dante beamed. "Hey babe."

* * *

><p>Ashley Carter wasn't having a good day.<p>

Her job at this theater sucked.

Everyone who came by was either a picky girl that didn't want to mess with her diet so she would stay here for a lifetime only to choose water, or a group of popular girls from her school that didn't buy anything and were just here to make fun of her, or a stalker who only liked her just because she grabbed his books after he fell last _year, _or an old lady that she had to scream her lungs out just so she could hear her and, after almost losing her voice, also settles for the _water._

And then there were perverts, and then pranksters who threw a sticky mango juice at her. In addition to her crush that laughed loudly after seeing her state.

Yeah, Ashley wasn't having a good day.

So when she heard _"Hey babe"_ she replied in a loud, "What?!"

"Easy there, are you always like that with customers?" the speaker asked.

She was about to curse him to hell when she took a good look at him.

She almost had a heart attack.

Because the speaker was the hottest guy she has ever seen! Her crush lost big time compared to this guy.

Words seemed to get stuck in her throat. She blushed like mad as the hot guy just innocently looked at her. "I-I-You -I..."

"Are you okay?" he questioned after a while of hearing her stutter.

"Y-yes, what do you need to buy?" Ashley asked, finally getting a hold of herself.

Smiling (did he want to kill her?) he ordered, "I want a strawberry sundae, strawberry milkshake, popcorn and tomato juice."

_Hot, nice and didn't order water!_

Yeah, she was in love alright.

"OF COURSE!" she said, overly enthusiastic, but the hot guy didn't mind.

Smiling a killer smile (well to her anyways, for him it was normal) he said, "Thanks babe".

_MARRY ME! _Ashley exclaimed mentally.

And then he took his orders and he walked away. Cursing her awkwardness, she sighed sadly and totally ignored the woman at the counter who wanted water.

* * *

><p>When Dante got back to his seat, he saw Vergil reading some random paper. <em>Where did that came from?<em> "What are you reading?"

"The list of the movies that they are going to show," Vergil answered as he kept reading the list with a growing frown.

And after he finished reading it, he started, "Dante."

"Hmmm?" the other responded, too busy savoring the cold sweets he bought.

"Does a movie called _'A Lovely Story of A Lovely Love'_ seem like a Kung Fu or even a horror movie to you?"

"I don't think so, even if it was I am not going to watch it."

"What about _'The Pretty Bride'_?

"Uh... no."

"_Fluffy Romantic Magical Princess?_"

"God no."

"_My Love. My Love. My Love_?"

"What kind of a shitty title is that?"

"_Twilig_..."

"Don't you dare finish that word!" And with great speed, he snatched the paper and got a look of pure horror on his face upon reading it.

"Well, what does all of this mean?" Vergil impatiently and worriedly, asked.

Like someone who discovered that he had a deadly illness, Dante slowly dropped the paper. "It means that there is a terrible fate awaiting for us."

In life there are signs that tell you when bad things are going to happen, and his brother speaking like an oracle was one of them.

Not knowing whether if he was going to like the answer or not, he took the risk. "What is it then?"

Before Dante was able to answer, a high pitched voice of a women said over a microphone.

_"WELCOME TO THE ANNUAL ROMANTIC MOVIES MARATHON!"_

For the first time in his life, Vergil thought that one word was all he needed to express what he was thinking right now.

_Shit._

* * *

><p>In shock, the twins sat helplessly in their seats, thinking about what to do .<p>

Both of them hated and despised those types of movies, it was an inherited trait since their father ran out of the house every time their mother decided to watch them - which happened a lot.

On the other hand there was the prize money, they were fools if they skipped this chance of having ten grands each.

_Enzo will pay for not telling them about all of this._

Vergil looked at the screen that would soon play the first course of the dreaded list, the one with the name _'A Lovely Story of A Lovely Love'_.

He needed a plan and fast!

It shouldn't be hard, right? After all, he was the one that planned to use the Temen Ni Gru tower to gain his father's power (putting Arkham's help aside).

Then it clicked, a way he could escape this theater and still have his money.

First, he'd pretend to go to the rest room, and with it being with only one stall as he and his brother heard some men complaining, he would go alone. He then would flee back to the shop, leaving his poor and unsuspecting brother here to collect the prize and then take his half by force.

Yes, he is an evil genius. _Where is the lightning when you need it_?

Taking the course of action, he spoke, "Dante, I need to..."

"Verge, I have to go..."

They blinked for a moment and continued talking, "Bathroom..."

They stared at each other.

Awkward silence.

"I'll go first," Dante started, standing up.

"No, I'll go first. I... uh.. drank a lot of water today!" Vergil said, already half-way to the door.

"Then I... ate a lot of stuff!" Dante shot back, gripping the door's handle.

"I need to go in first!" the other spat, gripping the other handle.

"You are going to pretend to go and then leave me here and then take your half by force, aren't you?" the younger twin accused.

"How did...?"

"Great minds think alike bro."

Letting go of the door, the older reasoned. "It seems like none of us is willing to stay while the other goes home." He pretended to go back to his seat and then dashed forward to the door, only to find the smirking little brother of his blocking the way.

"Like that is gonna work," Dante taunted.

Sighing, Vergil stepped back. "If I had the mood to fight, I would've slice you open."

"How would you do that? Your precious Yamato isn't here with you."

"Perhaps with my bare hands?" Vergil suggested. "I don't always need a sword to cut through a prey's guts."

"Dude... that's just sick!"

Ignoring him, he (for real this time) turned back and took his seat again. The voice of his brother saying 'HaHa!' came from behind.

Knowingly, Vergil grinned.

_One..._

_Two..._

_Three..._

He heard the sound of fast steps, and then the shadow of his angry brother towered over him. "When in _bloody hell_ did you put wards on the door?"

"As you said before my dear brother, great minds think alike. As for when did I put it, well take a guess. Did you really think that I would let you go that easily?" Taking some popcorn from Dante, he continued, "I can't go, you can't either"

Dante could force his way out of these wards, but it would get him so much trouble. Not missing the fact that he had to pay for whatever things he destroyed. So seeing no way out of this, he sat back and asked, "When are they going to wear off?"

"I don't know," Vergil replied.

Dante didn't believe him. "Are they long-termed or not?"

"I don't know."

"I'm talking seriously, when?"

"I. Don't. Know," the other sing sang.

"You are enjoying this, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well, I hope you enjoy these love stories Verge; the marathon just started." _Let's bring him to the harsh reality shall we_, Dante thought.

Vergil frowned deeply.

* * *

><p><strong><em>'I love you Cici! Don't leave me, don't marry that man!'<em>**

**_'Oh, Mike! But you are married, how could our love be alive? Long ago I was a little girl in a...'_**

Now seriously, they call this a movie?

The heroine didn't even make sense!

"Dante, what on earth are we watching?"

"Hell if I know."

_'**YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL MARTHA'!**_

**_'REALLY? I THOUGHT I WAS ONLY PRETTY!'_**

**_'WILL YOU BE MY WIFE?'_**

**_'SURE!'_**

"Wasn't her name Lily?"

"Well, they only met a minute ago."

**_'Magic car, magic princess!'_**

**_'Princess, I love you!'_**

**_'I love you too!'_**

"I think I lost my sanity, Verge."

"I've said goodbye to it ever since this movie had started."

**_'What are you doing here? Go back to your girlfriend and leave me alone!'_**

**_'But I went back and looked for you everywhere. Over the seas and in space and deserts!'_**

**_'Really?'_**

**_'Really.'_**

"But he was flirting with another girl a scene ago."

"Another movie cast added to my hit list."

"..."

"What?"

"You seriously need to get something else to do in your free time besides murder."

**_'Jen!'_**

**_'Ken!'_**

**_'Jen!'_**

**_'Ken!'_**

**_'Jen!'_**

"About your hit list."

* * *

><p>Finally, after half a day, It finished.<p>

"That Twilight trash must've been made by Mundus, no human can write something so demonic," Vergil stated as they walked out to find the manager to finally take their well-earned prize money.

"Innocence lost... scarred for life... hope gone," Dante mumbled, too shocked to even realize what was going on as he sat on the street near by.

"You're useless," the older twin noted dully. He really couldn't blame him though, if he weren't putting the cold facade of his, he would have became as traumatized as Dante.

He went back in the theater and looked for the manager, but he didn't find anyone besides a girl who looked at him with shock.

_Do I know her?_

He didn't exactly known many women, he didn't need to really. Putting his mother and Arkham's daughter (that he suspected that Dante had slight crush on, and vice versa) aside, there were almost none. And he also wouldn't forget a face.

Vergil chose to ask her since she seemed to be working here, "Do you know where the manager is?"

What his little question invoked in that girl was unknown to him, '_OH MY GOD IT'S THE HOT GUY (he looks a little different though) MAKE UP! I NEED MORE MAKE UP!' _and then she dived her hand in her purse looking for a mirror.

Seeing that the girl was far more busy prettying herself than to answer him, he snorted, "Forget it". And walked away.

And like a scene in a tragic play, the girl cried out after him, "NO!"

_Strange human._

* * *

><p>"Did you find him yet?" Dante asked him when he went outside.<p>

_He seems to be more composed now_, Vergil thought. "No."

They looked boredly at the people passing by, thinking that maybe they would find the guy in the crowds. It was then that a middle-aged man caught their attention for one reason only; he was exiting the theater and had a shirt that the word '_Manager' _was written on it.

Dante called after him, which got the man looking at them. "Yes?"

Vergil immediately demanded, "Give us what we rightfully earned, you miserable human."

"Yeah! What he said, except for the miserable human part." Dante nodded in agreement. "I had to stay and watch a terror after terror, a horror after horror, a..."

"Dante, I think he gets the idea."

"What are you talking about?" the man asked in return, looking very confused.

"Don't play fool with us, the results will be anything but satisfying," Vergil hissed sharply, murderous intent coming very obviously from him.

"I really don't know what are you two meaning." The manager looked horrified at this point.

"The prize money for your stupid marathon," Dante stated impatiently.

"Oh, that." The manager snapped his fingers in realization. "There is no prize money, the only prize is knowing that there is still love in the world." He grabbed his hands together and looked dreamily towards the sky, and bid them goodbye as skipped his way to the sunset (wasn't it 11 AM a moment ago?).

The twins stood there, shocked.

"Does that mean that I stayed in that hellhole, watching Jen and Ken, the bride that I have no idea what the reason for anything in her life, Bella and Edward, the pretty princess and the biography of some woman named Sally for nothing?"

"Sadly, yes." Vergil sighed.

Dante glared at him. "Don't you dare talk, bastard! You're the one that put the wards that trapped me there in the first place!"

"You still didn't get over that?" the other questioned. He then noticed that Dante was going the opposite way to where the shop was.

"Where are you going?"

"Enzo's"

"To kill him?"

"Yes."

"Count me in."

* * *

><p>"Why do I feel like I am about to meet my demise?" the Italian man asked himself out loud.<p>

His answer was the Sparda twins crashing through his door and looking royally pissed off.

From that day onwards, Enzo never gave them tickets to the movies.


	3. Never Anger A Mom

Title: Never Anger A Mother.  
>Timeline: Before series.<br>Characters/Pairings: Dante, Vergil, Eva and Sparda. Sparda/Eva.  
>Genre: HurtComfort, Family.  
>Summary: No one will mess with them while I'm alive. I'll raise hell over them if they did.<p>

* * *

><p>Never Anger A Mother<p>

* * *

><p><em>Today was great,<em> Eva thought.

The weather was nice, she was done with all the housework, the house was quiet...

Wait a minute.

_The house was quiet?_

If there was something Eva was sure of, it was that their house was never, _ever_ quiet.

The main reason for that was her twins and their father; it seemed that every game they played brought the cries of pain and utter agony from him. She remembered one time when she asked Sparda about why he was screaming, and he shrugged off saying, _"Nothing, except that our kids might be more demonic than I am. __I mean who would do that to their own father? You have no idea how twisted their minds are. And who the hell is Mario? Why must he always save the princess?!"_

He then took a moment to screech when he heard the boys coming, pleading her loudly to save him as they dragged him to their room. She discovered that that her kids' odd playing time with their father (if you could call attempting to grill your father odd) was something she would forever pretend that she didn't witness.

Strangely though, no matter how her husband would suffer, he would agree to play with them immediately the moment they ask. Eva found it cute that the big bad demon had such a soft spot for his kids. Though sometimes, she thought he should've just said no, because the twins holding daggers was not, in every single way, a good thing to go along with.

As for herself... well, let's say that the twins had a soft spot for her, and they would never think of subjecting her to their twisted games.

So no one could blame her if she found the sudden silence in her house quite odd. She remembered that Sparda was not home at the moment. Still, the boys were noisy even without him. Worried, she took the stairs to their room, and got surprised when she saw Dante and Vergil sitting quietly on their beds.

Closing the door, she asked softly, "What are you doing here? Why are you not playing outside?"

They didn't answer, which was highly unlike them. _Something must've really bothered them._

Eva walked until she was between their beds, and putting her hands on her hips, she demanded, "Spill, what's the matter?"

Still no answer. This only made her more determined to find out what bothered them so much. "You can keep your mouth shut all the time you want, I'm not going until you two talk."

After ten minutes of complete silence, Dante finally asked, "Are we freaks?" The instant he spoke, Vergil sent him a glare. _Probably meaning that he should've stayed quiet,_ Eva mused.

Shocked about the question, she pressed on, "Who said that?" Whoever was responsible for this better be preparing for his or her funeral.

"Some mothers and their kids at the playground," Vergil said stoically, but she'd know better. He, too, was affected with whatever was said about them.

"Tell me everything." _Names and addresses to be exact_. She was already plotting some murders, who says she was a goody goody person?

They told her what happened, and that the reason why they didn't tell her was because they were afraid it would've gotten her mad.

Eva was furious, so furious she wanted to kill something. It wasn't enough for the twins to doubt about themselves being evil after learning about their demonic heritage a month ago, now these people made them doubt themselves even more.

"You two are the sweetest and cutest and the most wonderful children in the world, those people don't know a single _damn_ thing."

The twins were amused about their mother saying a bad word (ah, children) and happy about the praise they got that all of them laughed uncontrollably, even Vergil joined the laughing fit, serious and responsible as he tried to make himself be.

After the laughing had stopped, Dante asked her, "What do we do if they said something like that again?" Vergil looked up at that, eyes carrying the same question.

She fought the urge to hug them senseless as smiled at them assuredly. "Everything will be alright, now go and play your hearts out."

* * *

><p>A group of women sat in the center of the local park, gossiping endlessly about anything.<p>

Today's target of gossip was the Sparda twins.

_"Are these Eva's kids? What's wrong with their hair?"_

_"I don't know, maybe they are albinos?"_

_"Good thing they're playing with themselves, I don't want my Matt to be infected with whatever they got."_

_"Poor Eva, she has to put up with them being her children."_

_"Have you ever seen her husband? No one had ever seen him."_

_"Such a weird family, two freaks of kids and an unseen husband, I wo-"_

They were interrupted by the sight of Eva approaching them, eyes narrowed in cold resentment and mouth set in a thin line.

"Which one of you talked about my sons?"

* * *

><p>Needless to say, no one dared to make a note about the twins anymore. The horrified mothers warned their children to never bully them again even.<p>

A smile of victory graced Eva's lips as she walked with her kids back to their home. _No one will mess with them while I'm alive._

_I'll raise hell over them if they did._


	4. The Imperfect Perfection

**Title: **The Imperfect Perfection.  
><strong>Timeline: <strong>Two years after DMC3. AU where Vergil returns to the human world.  
><strong>CharactersPairings:** Dante, Vergil and an OC.  
><strong>Genre: <strong>Humor.  
><strong>Summury: <strong>The dazzling bombshell waltzed into the poor looking shop.

* * *

><p>The Imperfect Perfection<p>

* * *

><p>It was a normal day at the Devil May Cry. No calls, no jobs and nothing whatsoever. Dante was lazing on a couch reading a magazine, while Vergil was polishing Yamato. The two were content with the silence and never tried to disturb it. That is, until the door was rudely opened revealing a very pretty girl.<p>

And before they questioned about what was going on, a voice coming from nowhere began to speak.

**The dazzling bombshell waltzed into poor looking shop, and she got baffled by the two twins who appeared to be living there. She, a fair maiden in this very bad place, needed to feel safe. With her midnight locks and rainbow-ish eyes, she was a beauty. Every man loved her, while every woman did not. She was beaten because of her beauty, and did I mention that she was a bombshell. As bombonic as a nuclear _bomb._**

The twins, however, weren't impressed with the way she entered.

And the description.

_Bombonic? Is that even a word? _Vergil thought, stepping closer to the girl; for the fact that Dante was too absorbed in his pathetic choice of reading. "What do you want?"

"My name is Jolkeitkaina Comlimpa Scotleneras, I am here because..."

As she continued talking, Vergil turned to his brother only to find that he was answering a call that never came.

_That bloody traitor._

"...I am so smart and I..."

The door slammed shut as rudely as it had opened.

"Good job Vergil," Dante cheered, sitting in his desk and _not talking on the phone._

Sadly, closing the door at her face while she was talking wasn't enough for the girl to take the hint that she wasn't wanted; as she opened the door again pouting. "That wasn't very nice."

_Didn't Dante bother to at least buy a lock? _He really wanted his brother to handle this; because every human that annoyed him either ended up dead, almost dead, severely injured or in a coma. If Dante wanted him not to kill anybody, he'd better get his sorry behind here and send this girl away.

He turned to tell Dante that, only to find once again that he was talking on the phone faking a laugh.

"Hahahaha! Oh your majesty, you have a great sense of humor. You want me to call you Elizabeth? Alright then..."

_Since when he was friends with the Queen of England?_

Looks like it was only him against this girl, who had proven herself to be quite a bother so far. And since he was in no mood to kill her with Yamato (with the sword recently polished), he'll treat her with what he favors close to killing.

Breaking spirits.

"Why are you here again?" Vergil cut the woman's talk coldly, she then stared at him like he said the most outrageous thing in the world.

"Weren't you listening to me?"

"Were you even talking?"

"Touche," Dante said from the back.

_Aha! Caught you_, Vergil mentally exclaimed. But when he turned to him he saw that his brother was in the same position, this time faking a sob.

"I didn't know that, poor you..."

_Oh, how I will enjoy decapitating you!_

"As I said, I am ..."

"For the sake of my sanity, make it short."

She took a minute to think, and after taking a deep breath she happily said, "I love you."

The only sound was heard was the door slamming shut again. But after a second, the said door was sliced by chainsaw.

A chainsaw that the girl was holding.

"That was mean!" she cried.

_How the hell can you slice the door of a guy that rejected you twice by a fucking chainsaw and dare to cry afterwords? _The younger twin asked himself, the -_Pretending to talk to the Queen of England-_act long forgotten.

Vergil stood there at the ruins of what was once called a door and then spoke to the seemingly psychotic woman, "I don't love you then."

"But you're supposed to love me, and he," she pointed at Dante, "is supposed to be fighting you over me, forming a full of tragedy love triangle, with me confused about who will I choose." She finished her explanation with and excited jump.

Both of the twins spoke at same time, "By all means, choose him!"

They glared at each other.

"Come on, bro. I haven't see you going on dates, you should be the one who will go with her," said Dante.

"With the rotten luck you have with women, I think that it should be you, brother," Vergil shot back in false kindness.

"No, it has to be you."

"No, it should be you."

"No, you."

"No, _you._"

"No, YOU!"

"NO, YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"DO WANT TO START A FIGHT?"

"BRING IT!"

"Guys, there is enough of me there, there is no need to fight," the girl interrupted, earning a double glare.

Calming himself, Vergil asked her,"What, pray tell, do you have to make us love you? If I ever -_God forbid_- fell in love, I have certain qualities to acquire."

"First, can I enter? I have been standing at your doorstep ever since I've came here," her answer was the tip of Yamato at her neck.

"No."

"Okay!" she yelped, taking a step back. "Well, I have a great look for a start, my beauty can't be compared with anyone." She flipped her black, silvery hair at that.

Vergil smirked at her reply. "Really?" Taking the magazine Dante was reading earlier, he asked him, "Dante, what do think of our rather annoying guest's looks?"

"Honestly, she's hot." His answer made the woman beam with pride.

"What do think of this model then?" He showed him the first page of the magazine.

"Hot."

"And this?" He showed him the next page.

"Hot."

"What about this one?"

"Hot."

"This one?"

"Smoking _hot_!"

Grinning, Vergil threw the magazine away and turned to the woman. "Jolkefe..."

"It's Jolkeitkaina."

"Jololu, you're not that special," he said simply.

"B-But..." She was now teary eyed.

"Your point is invalid, next one."

Recovering from the trauma that she wasn't the most beautiful woman in the world, she said, "Well, I am a genius!"

"Do you play chess?"

She then smiled wide. "Yes! I'm a pro at it, I've won every single match in-"

"Too bad, I despise chess, next?"

"Whahh!" Then she started sobbing. "I have a tragic past, oh so tragic. I was stung by bee in elementary school. Ever since then, I have been very afraid of bees. I had nightmares about them, and then..." she stopped talking when she saw that neither of the twins were listening to her.

Entering the shop, she took the magazine from the one in red (who picked it up earlier right after his twin threw it away). "You don't need to stare at somebody else besides me." And she ripped the magazine apart.

"H-How could you? SYLVIA!" Dante called out.

Before she could even think of taking the book the blue clad was reading, the tip of the very sharp sword was on her neck once again, _is it me or this sword got alarmingly close to me?_

With a voice laced with venom, Vergil threatened, "Don't. You. Dare." Making her run to the outside of the shop as fast as lightning.

"But you two weren't listening to me," she reasoned.

Vergil merely raised an eyebrow. "Your point being?"

Before she could reply, a group of Hell Prides decided to visit the shop.

Upon seeing the demons, the girl beamed. "I will prove now that you two should be helplessly in love with me." And ran towards the very confused Hells. Who can blame them? It's not like you see a human running to them instead of running from them everyday.

The twins did nothing to stop her as they watched her confusedly. She just stood there in front of the demons, and then she started screaming, "HELP! THEY WANT TO KILL ME, THEY WANT TO RUIN MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! WHERE IS MY HERO?" She eyed Vergil at that point. "WHY IS HE WATCHING ME LIKE I AM SOME SORT OF A LUNATIC. OH, MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!"

The twins, the Hells and even the devil arms shared one thought.

_What the fuck?_

"Dante."

"Yeah?"

"Is she on what humans call crack?"

"No, she's way beyond that, the girl is insane."

"I couldn't agree with you more."

"I mean, she must be a loony or someone who got serious death wish. Or maybe she's some kind of an alien life form coming to this planet to make everyone so pissed off that he or she will have a heart attack, and before you know it, she will take over the universe and kill us all!"

"Dante."

"Yes?"

"You stopped making sense."

The younger twin nodded. "Yeah I did, didn't I?"

_"HEEELP, A MAIDEN IN DANGER!"_

"So, Verge, do you like the new TV I bought?"

"It's same one I've broken."

"Aha! So you admit that you're the one who did it!"

"Curses..."

_"HELLO? HOT CHICK GETTING KILLED BY DEMONS!"_

"I want an LCD, no less."

"Dante, I can't afford my own tooth brush."

"So you admit that you are a freeloading jerk."

"Damn it."

_"OH MY GOD! MY GUTS! MY FREAKING GUTS!"_

"I prefer Sony. Yeah, a Sony LCD."

"In your dreams, Dante, in your dreams."

"So you are a cheap-don't take the responsibility of what you've broken-freeloading jerk. My God do I have the best _older_ brother in the world."

_"OKAY SERIOUSLY YOU HEARTLESS BASTARDS! I'M BEING EATEN ALIVE OUT HERE! AND YOU TWO KEEP ARGUING ABOUT A TV?"_

"I'm not_ cheap!_"

_"YOU TWO ARE HOPELESS."_ And the girl walked angrily out of the area, all while being chased down by the Hells.

"Nice work," Vergil said after seeing that their little scheme worked on the girl.

"Don't mention it," Dante replied, closing the door.

And the two were back to the way they were before, except...

"Seriously Verge, a Sony LCD."


	5. Calling me Baby is A No

Title: Calling Me A Baby Is A No.  
>Timeline: Three years after DMC3. AU where Vergil returns to the human world.<br>Characters/Pairings: Dante, Vergil.  
>Genre: Crack, Parody, utter nonsense.<br>Summary: Drunk Vergil was a sight to see.

* * *

><p>Calling Me A Baby Is A No<p>

* * *

><p>His brother needed to chill.<p>

That was what Dante thought when he looked at Vergil who was reading a book. Again.

He really didn't do anything else beside that, and he always was as stiff as a board. So in order to make him relax, Dante plotted a plan. It was very easy, really: he will give him demonic vodka (yes, there is one) disguised as water - since it's colorless - and that water-like demonic vodka will surely get him drunk. He wouldn't have to worry about its smell, because his brother had been in the demon world for a little too long and he certainly would drink and eat anything regardless of its smell. _They have some weird stuff there_, Dante mused.

"Dante, we're out of water again," he heard Vergil call out, clearly annoyed.

_Speak about the devil._

"Oh damn it, the water bill again. I'll go sort this out right now." _Just as planned,_ he inwardly smirked.

And he ran out of his shop as fast as he could, no need to be there in case Vergil found out about his plan.

He hoped that his brother will get thirsty and drink the bottle of water (vodka) that was on his desk.

* * *

><p><em>Strange that Dante was so willing to go get anything he asked for, let alone water.<em>

But who was he to complain? He was thirsty, really, bad timing for the water to run out. He spotted the bottle on top of Dante's desk, and it looked like it was the last one.

"The idiot will get the water running soon so I'll drink this," he said, justifying his actions, before he drank it all. The taste was rather odd but it wasn't that awful.

"I feel weird," he said moments later.

* * *

><p>When Dante opened the door to enter his shop, he was shocked to see a once in a life time phenomenon.<p>

Vergil was holding Yamato backwards, pretending that it was a microphone.

And he was standing on his desk.

Drunk and... singing!

_I know you love me_

_And I don't care_

_You want my affection, I want you dead_

_You're not my love_

_You're not my heart_

_And I will wish always we grow apart_

_If you're insane to follow me_

_You'll lose your head_

_Send a love note_

_Don't you dare_

_Everything you do will not do_

_Because I don't give a damn about you_

_So calling me_

_Baby, baby_

_Is a NO!_

_Kill you, cut you_

_I'll gladly DO!_

_If you phoned me again AM at TWO!_

_Your spinal cord will be mine, MINE!_

Dante slowly closed the door, pretending that he hadn't seen a thing, and vowing to never _ever_ buy demonic vodka or get his brother drunk again.


	6. Real Save

Title: Real Save.  
>Timeline: One year after DMC3.<br>Characters/Pairings: Dante, Lady. Some hints of D/L.  
>Genre: Friendship, HurtComfort.  
>Summary: Two lonely souls hanging out together.<p>

* * *

><p>Real Save<p>

* * *

><p><em>"Hey bab-"<em>

"What do you want?"

_"Oh, that's cold, you know. I only wanted to check up on you."_

"I left your shop three hours ago."

_"So? Three hours is long enough for anything to happen."_

"The point is that you don't call me at midnight unless you wanted something, so what do you want?"

_"You have an awful opinion of me, babe."_

"..."

_"Okay, I want you to come over."_

"Why would I possibly do that?"

_"Because you love me."_

"..."

_"Alright, I'm bored. Happy now?"_

"Why don't you, I don't know, sleep?"

_"But I can't sleep, that's the problem."_

"Then count sheep, drink milk. Seriously, I was having a good dream before you cut it off."

_"Was it about me?"_

"No."

_"Yeah, it was about me._"

"Believe what you want, and for god's sake go and sleep like the rest of the world."

_"You know, not all people are sleeping right now. Take people in China for example, it's morning for them."_

"I'm ignoring you."

_"Then why didn't you hang up on me yet?"_

"..."

_"Haha! Gotcha! Really, I promise this will be the last time. And there is a beauty pageant on TV waiting to be laughed at."_

"Is it Miss World?"_ I seriously need to fix my TV._

_"Yup, and bring some pizza on the way."_

"Hey! I'm.."

_"Thanks, Lady!"_

And he hang up.

Sometimes, she wished she didn't have a phone just so these late calls would stop.

But other times, she would be grateful, because she had someone to annoy her with them.

Sighing, she wore a baggy pants and a black sweat-shirt and grabbed her keys as she closed the door, heading towards the Devil May Cry.

_Even a devil may cry when loses a loved one._

She was glad that Dante named the shop after something she had said - not that she would tell him that. It showed that her words had an echo in him, really.

If somebody told her a year ago that she would wake up in the the middle of the night, buy pizza, and then head to a place that a half demon lived in to laugh at the silly shows on TV together, Lady would've shot that person _silly._

_But times changed and here she was, being buddies with the enemy._

As she ordered the pizza - _no olives, as Dante insisted - _she thought about that fateful night, where she lost a father and Dante lost a brother. Her father didn't deserve to live, of course, but the fact that she killed the remaining family member she had tasted bitter and made her feel empty.

Dante was the only one who understood and felt the same way as her. There were times where they stood there at the ruins of the Temen Ni Gru in silence, only taking comfort from having the other there.

When she first met the half demon, she thought he was a crazy piece of work; he rode a missile like a flying skateboard for crying out loud! She didn't think he would've had an impact on her life, but he proved himself to be, saving her a lot of times in only one night.

He saved her from falling, saved her from dying at the hands of her father, saved her from the burden of having her old self by giving her a new name.

He had proven to her that demons can be as good as humans, and that humans can be as evil as demons.

Lady was grateful for his company.

When she reached the shop, she wasn't surprised to see the door unlocked; Dante didn't bother himself to buy a lock. She found him sitting in his usual way, talking to a custome-

"What? No! This isn't a freaking toy store!"

Or not.

He then noticed her and beamed. Taking the packs of pizza, he exclaimed, "That's my Lady, always on time!"

Trying so hard not to blush when he said '_My_ _Lady_' _(She did not have anything to blush about!)_, Lady only mumbled, "You do know that you owe me for this, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. You're missing some serious stuff here." He dragged her to sit on the coach, and true to his word, Miss World was on.

_"I wish for world peace, and for all of us to stop consuming drugs!"_

"Man what a joke."

"Yeah, like world peace is ever gonna come by that easily."

They kept being that way, just sitting and commenting on the stupid shows on the TV. And between the laughing and arguing, Lady realized something.

With all the times he had saved her, she forgot the most important thing he had saved her from.

He saved her from being lonely.

* * *

><p>"Seriously, what kind of a show is that? It's not even funny, don't you think, Lady? Lady?" He felt a weight on his shoulder, and when he looked around to see what it was, he was surprised to see that it was Lady's head resting peacefully on it.<p>

Smirking amusedly, he asked, "Where is the camera when you need it?" There was no way for Lady to believe that she slept on his shoulder without a picture to prove it.

Looking at her again, his expression softened.

_She looks pretty that way..._

He always thought that Lady was a beauty, but there was something in her sleeping face was captivating.

She shivered a bit which awoke him from his daze, and laying her gently on the couch he looked for something to cover her with. He didn't have blankets and the sheets wouldn't do much. So he took off his coat - he did have a shirt under it this time - and covered her with it. _Should be warm enough. _

He really needed to stop calling her late at night, she always looked tired but this was the first she fell asleep from it.

But the thing is, ever since he met Lady he was used to her company, he couldn't help himself from trying to find ways to make her stay with him.

He would tease her, she would get angry, he would bet her, she would win, he would feel down, she would comfort him and vice verca.

She was the sort of person that would get annoyed when asked to do something, but still eventually does it nonetheless.

He realized something as he turned off the lights, and he smiled upon the light of it.

Lady was his first _real_ friend.


	7. Mistaken for:A Hostage Negotiator

Title: Mistaken for: A Hostage Negotiator.  
>Timeline: Three years after DMC3. AU where Vergil returns to the human world.<br>Characters/Pairings: Vergil, OCs, Dante.  
>Genre: Humor.<br>Summary: Vergil can do good deeds.

* * *

><p>Mistaken for: A Hostage Negotiator.<p>

* * *

><p><em>"Please don't do this!"<em>

There were a lot of things that ticked Vergil off, and one of them was waking up at three in the morning at the sounds of sirens and gunshots. It wasn't enough that on top of it, Dante's bed squeaked at every single move he made, the springs popping from the mattress stabbing him mercilessly. How his brother managed to sleep on it was beyond him, but then again, Dante was known for the ability to sleep just about anywhere.

Vergil would bet his life that the dimwit was comfortably sleeping in the guest room right now, oblivious to the ongoing drama happening outside.

He tossed and turned right and left, hoping to gain a bit of sleep but to no avail.

_"You don't have to kill them, you can have more chances if you turned yourself in."_

He ignored it.

_"We will not get any closer. Just leave them be."_

He tried to ignore it.

_"Don't!"_

**_BANG!_**

**_BANG!_**

_THAT'S IT! _he snapped, getting up and taking Yamato with him. "Oh_, _there will be a hell to pay."

As he was leaving, the opened door of the guest room showed Dante peacefully snoring despite all of the noise. _And this room was much worse state than the one he was sleeping in!_

Just hearing his snores made him irrationally angry.

* * *

><p>The chief of the police was desperate to say the least; the guy they were after held two women as hostages, and unlike other situations like this, the kidnapper didn't demand a thing. All they got from him is:<em> "Get closer and they die."<em>

They needed a negotiator and fast; the kidnapper shot two bullets a moment ago.

He then heard some noises coming from behind.

"There is a situation here, sir, you need to leave the area."

"It's dangerous to stay here!"

It looked like his team was holding a civilian back from entering, and it seemed that the said civilian was not listening.

Turning around, he got closer and said, "Why are you here kid? Don't you see that the police is working here?"

"I am here to end this." The civilian smirked in a very creepy way.

He was about to tell him to go back home but then something clicked back in his mind. The station said that they were sending a negotiator soon, and they said that although he was the best in his job, his appearance would unnerve some. He thought they were sending him a guy in a monkey or a clown suit, but certainly not what would be a twenty-year-old kid with strikingly white hair and a blue shirt saying '_I'm better than you. __Sue me_'.

Not to mention a _freaking_ sword! (_Is that thing even real_?)

He had to make sure. "You're ending this?"

"Did you not hear what I have just said? Or were too busy being a human to listen?"

_Hmmm, he got guts._ The chief had to admit. "Alright then, get this thing over with." And he handled him the speakerphone.

* * *

><p><em>What the hell is wrong with these humans? I tell them that I'm going to end them and they hand me a speakerphone?<em>

_Strange..._

But then again, when was little, he always wanted one to boss Dante around. But his mother didn't allow something that will get the house even more noisy.

So earning his new power he tried it, "Testing, testing. 1 2 3. Die.

_It's perfect._

The man who gave him the tool looked at him weirdly, and clearing his throat he asked, "When, exactly, are you going to talk to the kidnapper?"

Vergil only raised an eyebrow. "Kidnapper?"

"The one you were suppose to talk to? What kind of a negotiator are you anyway?"

"Negotiator?"

The man started turning red with anger, and before he could reply, the kidnapper spoke over a speakerphone he had himself. "Um, are you two fighting?Because I really want to state my demands. And who on earth are you?" he asked pointing at Vergil.

"Apparently, I am a negotiator," Vergil noted over the speakerphone too.

"Oh, that's nice," said the kidnapper.

"What do mean 'apparently'? And by any chance, are you bonding with someone who could be a murderer?"

"Friendship is a mysterious thing," the half demon answered, deciding that trolling these men would lift his mood up. Turning towards the window the kidnapper was speaking through, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Well, I need to you to tell my boss not to fire me tomorrow."

That made Vergil twitch. "What?"

"I was late for work today so he threatened that he will fire me," the kidnapper said.

Snatching the speakerphone - an act Vergil did not appreciate at all - the chief of the police asked skeptically, "And you kidnapped two women for that?"

"Yes."

"You, sir, are the worst criminal ever!" Vergil exclaimed, getting a hold of the speakerphone again. "You could get whatever you wanted, and you chose that? I'm seriously done with the human race," he continued, muttering the last part to himself.

"They have dental insurance." The kidnapper tried to reason.

"DENTAL INSURANCE MY ASS! What about the money? And getting away without being caught? Being the most wanted man in the world? _Ruling_ the world?Gaining that sweet, sweet power." For a moment, he seemed that he was talking to more about himself than the kidnapper. "And you dare call yourself a criminal?"

Unknown to him, his little outburst made the police question about who exactly was the criminal here.

"You are right!" the kidnapper exclaimed.

"Of course I am, now kill those-" he was cut off by the voice of the kidnapper exclaiming again.

"I'm no criminal! I'm just a pathetic guy who didn't want to lose his job. Thank you for clearing that up Mr. Negotiator! I'll turn myself in!"

Vergil nodded in agreement, not realizing what the other was saying. "Yes, yes. I'm great- Wait... what?! _No!_ That wasn't what I meant! I want murder happening dammit!"

But that didn't stop the kidnapper from releasing the two unharmed women and getting out of the building. It seemed that the gunshots he shot were just a warning after all. Just when he was passing Vergil to get on the police car, the kidnapper turned towards him smiling. "I'll be forever grateful to you."

And with that, he rode the car and it took off immediately.

The half demon stood there, mouth agape and eyes twitching. The police officers in the area decided to thank him one by one, the chief being the last.

"I got to hand it to you, you really are the best at what you do. Sorry if I seemed too doubtful." Patting his back, he grinned brightly at him.

Trying to keep his sanity in check, Vergil started walking towards the Devil May Cry. Voices behind him rambling_"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE THE NEGOTIATOR?"_

* * *

><p>Walking to what he could probably consider a home, Vergil was full with thoughts.<p>

His ability to make anyone do his bidding was a two-edged sword apparently.

_I can do good things?_

He shuddered at the thought.

Entering the shop, he headed to get some sleep at last, but then an idea came to him. Grabbing the speakerphone - which was still in his hold - he opened the guest room's door, and as expected, his brother was still sleeping.

_Good deeds..._

_Please._

Getting the speakerphone near Dante's ears, he spoke loudly through it, "RISE AND SHINE DANTE,EMBRACE THE SWEET FOUR O'CLOCK WAKE UP CALL!"

What followed was a series of curses, acrobatic flips, and Ebony's tip pointed to his head.

"You chose the wrong person to wake!"

Fun fact about his brother: he is pure evil when you wake him the wrong way. But luckily, it's a five-second phase.

"Oh, Verge. What the hell are you doing here? And why did you wake me up with a speakerphone?" he asked, rubbing his eyes so he could see him better.

"I am sleep walking," Vergil replied.

"Too bad you're as much of an ass as an awake Verge, huh?" Then Dante noticed something; the shirt his brother was wearing.

One day while walking home, he saw it displayed in some shop and he thought the words fitted with his older brother's nature. It was also a good thing that it was cheap.

"You're wearing the shirt I gave you. How nice of you!" He pointed out, amused beyond belief due to the fact Vergil refused it earlier.

But instead of a sarcastic comeback like '_Desperate times take desperate measures', _or just plain denial like '_Shirt? What shirt_?', the older Sparda just had a horrified expression on his face and he hurriedly got out of the room shouting, "Noooo,I can't be good!"

"What the...?" Dante wondered.

That was weird, even weirder than the dream he had where he became the demon king.

_Whatever._ He shrugged and went back to sleep.


	8. Assurance

Title: Assurance.  
>Timeline: Before series.<br>Characters/Pairings: Sparda, Dante, Vergil, Eva. Sparda/Eva.  
>Genre: HurtComfort, Family.  
>Summary: It was with his family that he truly belonged.<p>

* * *

><p>Assurance<p>

* * *

><p>There were days where he asked himself whether he deserved this life or not.<p>

_A beatiful wife, two wonderful children, and a somewhat peaceful life._

Today was sure going to be one of them.

Are they better off with him or without him? Do they love him like he does or not?

It was foolish, he knew; his family loved him dearly.

But he couldn't stop doubting.

Maybe it was because he was demon, something that was out of this world, something that was evil and sinister. He still couldn't fathom why Eva chose and loved him, the one time he asked she simply smiled and said, _"I just do."_ Laughing about the fact that she should ask him about why he loved her instead, before she heading to the twins' room.

_How can I not love her? _he thought then, staring after her trail.

He wondered what if she hadn't met him, would she marry another? One that is human, one that would surely not endanger her life by staying with her. Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn't. But the idea of his Eva with another man was not appealing. Not one bit. The fools who tried courting her - while she was married, mind you! - were a fine example of that.

So there he was in his study, looking over the window and thinking of depressing thoughts while the twins were with their mother baking cookies.

At least one of them was.

"Dad, are you okay?"

Sparda blinked and looked at the source of the voice until he saw Dante sitting on his desk and looking at him with concern.

"Dante, you suprised me a little. How long have you been sitting here?" He smiled, chasing away his previous thoughts.

The little boy of six just shrugged. "Two minutes." He raised two fingers at that. "What were doing in here? You looked bored."

That earned him a smile. "Really now?"

His son smiled widely. "Yup, and I am here to entertain you." He then mumbled, "if that's the right word."

"I thought you and your brother were baking cookies with your mother, and I know you wouldn't leave the licking-the-spoon business to Vergil." As soon as he spoke, Dante frowned which had him worried. "What happened?"

"Nothing, dad. It's Verge's turn to help mom since I always help her like he says." Pouting cutely, he paced over his father's large desk. Luckily it was empty, for he was arranging it earlier_._

Sparda had to restrain himself from chuckling at the cute sight. "And you're upset about it I suppose?"

"Kinda, yeah. I mean, he always reads things with you in here and you don't see me complaining."

"Dante, you dislike reading." Sparda pointed out, not really convinced.

"I read stuff!" the boy defended.

"Spider-Man does count as a reading material."

"Then-"

"Neither does Batman."

"What about-"

"No, not even the '_most wanted criminals in the world'_ list, which I have to take it away from you by the way."

"Then... um... you get the point!"

"What point?" Sparda asked, enjoying teasing his younger son. There weren't many times the two of them sat together like this, so he was making the most of it. It wasn't that like he didn't enjoy Vergil's company, he did so very much, but his other son was more active and really easy to tease.

Changing the subject and attempting to avoid the teasing, Dante huffed. "Okay, okay, so when will you teach me how to use guns?"

"What a delightful day! Isn't it, my lovely child?" The boy snickered at his father's response. _Tables have turned, take that dad!_

"Yeah, it's wonderful alright. But why are looking at the ceiling?"

"Uh... I... to fix it?"

The boy was shaking with suppressed laughter; the sight of his father desperately trying to change the subject and save himself was simply hilarious. "Why?You've never been good with fixing things, you almost set our house on fire when you thought that you could fix the kitchen sink."

The legendary dark knight mentally cursed for leaving himself out in the open; now his son cornered him. He wasn't fond about the idea of teaching his sons on the art of battles at all; he didn't want them to grow like him, looking over his back and knowing that every demon in the underworld thirsted after his blood. He wanted them to be as human as possible and live peacefully, only worrying about something normal like bills.

But being him, lady luck wasn't on his side. A month after learning about their heritage, they started asking him to teach them, knowing that their mother, who was a demon hunter once, would never accept. She always ran every single time, leaving him to explain that she was big softy when it came to them.

Sparda never saw a human run that fast, she could win the Olympics for all he knows.

So he, of course, was the next target.

Vergil and Dante proved to be very persistent, much to his dismay.

_They spoke in one, earning his attention, and when looked at them he was utterly shocked._

_"We found this while we playing, and we would like it if you teach us how to use it," Vergil said, his brother nodding in complete agreement._

Sparda was pretty sure he hid Yamato and Rebellion in a secret room inside a secret room inside the basement that was heavily locked. With _demonic spells_, he might add.

So there was no way in any hell that the twins _accidentally_ had found them. He would be impressed if he wasn't so damned confused as to how exactly did they do it.

For how long was he going to deny them? Maybe before leaving for good.

_What a grim thought, huh? _But he felt his time was almost done; the demons attacks on him increased alarmingly these days, an obvious sign of trouble.

Small soft hands cupped his face, and Sparda quickly found himself staring into the electric blue eyes of his son.

"You're doing it again," he simply said, now standing on his desk.

Not removing his son's hands from his cheeks, Sparda asked curiously, "Doing what?"

"The-sad-face thing, I saw it when I got here, but I thought you were bored. Now you look like your puppy just died." _Truthfully, it was the thought of leaving my family behind to protect them from an entire world that wants to kill me, Dante._ Sparda thought, a puppy dying was the least saddening thing he ever heard.

"Do you think I belong here?" he suddenly asked, the words getting out before he realized he spoke them.

Dante looked at him in puzzlement before saying, "You're acting funny today, dad." He glanced at the clock that hanged on the wall and beamed. "Mom should be done with the cookies right now!" He jumped off the desk and hurriedly took his hand dragging him. "A cookie will make you happy that's for sure!"

Not wanting to spoil his son's joy, he let himself get dragged to the kitchen. As soon as they entered, they saw Eva taking out the cookies from the oven, while Vergil was eagerly waiting to get one of it.

"Smells good in here," Sparda noted.

Eva gave a soft snort at that. "To you, everything smells good. That's why I don't take your opinion on perfumes, remember?"

"The demon world is not a field of flowers my darling. Although I don't think there is a need to buy yourself a perfume, your natural scent is very... _inviting._" He leered, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"Ahem!" That woke the two from their daze, the twins sighing with relief for they didn't want to witness something that will scar them for life.

"So... what were you two doing?" Eva quickly asked, still a bit embarrassed.

"Nothing really," Sparda said, taking a strawberry from a plate. "We just talked."

"I had lots of fun, I even licked the spoon," Vergil taunted.

Dante was horrified to say the least. "You wouldn't dare!"

"It was delicious~!"

And the fight began.

_I really love them,_ Sparda though, smiling amusedly from the corner at the twins who were punching and throwing knives at each other, his wife breaking the fight by threatening them to not give any cookies.

It was picture perfect - not including the knives of course. His younger son's voice pulled him from his musings.

"Come on dad, we will finish everything if you didn't hurry up," Dante warned, cheerfully smiling at him.

So he stepped out of the corner and headed towards the three people who had him wrapped around their fingers.

His question had been answered, for no matter what happened, it was with his family that he truly _belonged._


	9. Demonic Statistics:Part One

Title: Demonic Statistics: Part One.  
>Timeline: Two months after DMC3.<br>Characters/Pairings: Dante.  
>Genre: Humor.<br>Summary: Time to start the body-count.

* * *

><p>Demonic Statistics: Part One<p>

* * *

><p><em>No jobs equals boredom.<em>

That was what Dante decided to think after he, officially, opened his shop; the two months since the opening proved that fact.

So what would a bored demon hunter-with no social life whatsoever do to entertain himself?

Count how many demons had a grudge against him.

Really, he was serious.

Every single demon he faced had something against his father. Sometimes he thought if he told them he wasn't the son of Sparda they would've let him go and searched for another way to fulfill their revenge.

His old man must've done some major ass-kicking in the underworld to have that much hate towards him - even when he was dead.

If demons had Facebook, they would've formed a _'I-freaking-hate-Sparda's-guts'_ club, with Mundus being the Admin.

Not that he himself had a Facebook account, for he didn't have a computer.

Man if he had one, he wouldn't be this bored.

So yeah, back to the main topic.

_Demons hate my dad._

_But how many, actually, hate me?_

_Hmmm, interesting._

And so he grabbed a pen and a clipboard and set towards a demon's lair.

* * *

><p>"So you came son of Sparda, I'm surprised you're here without being lured," the what he would call <em>'Big cheese'<em> spoke, other lower-ranked demons snarling and hissing at him.

"Yeah, yeah enough with the chit-chat. How many of you down there?" He coldly cut him off, putting the pen in his ear and tapping the clipboard impatiently.

"Pardon?" the _'Big cheese'_ asked confusedly.

"The population of the demon world, what is it?" Dante elaborated.

"You want to know the population of our world?" the _'Big cheese'_ asked again, not sure whether or not to trust his ears, the other demons were also confused as well.

"Yes."

"Okay... let me check." The bigger demon was very curious as to why the son of the traitor wanted to know that, so he complied to the request.

Dante watched as the _'Big cheese'_ performed a spell, and moments later, there was a voice asking. "Yes?"

"Lord Mundus, I'm sorry for bothering you but I have a question."

_You have got to be kidding with me_, Dante thought.

"What is it?" Mundus asked, the annoyance in voice was very obvious.

"What's the population of the demon world?" the _'Big cheese'_ asked, somewhat fearfully.

The sound of pages being flipped was heard. "It's 6,666,666,666,666. Why are you asking?"

"I just wanted to know." Telling him that it was for the son of his arch nemesis wasn't a good idea in his opinion.

"If you ever dared calling me again, I'll let Nelo Angelo slaughter you."

_Nelo Angelo? Who's that?_

The _'Big cheese'_ would've paled if he could. "Thank you my lord, I wouldn't even dare to waste your time with my pesky existence."

_Smooth_, Dante noted as the other turned towards him, ending his '_call_'.

"So there you have it. Now what?" the 'Big cheese' questioned after seeing the half demon writing the number down.

"Now, I think I will try to beat my dad's record." Bringing Rebellion out, Dante smirked.

Que to a major demon-slaying.

* * *

><p>Finishing the job, he wrote more:<p>

_The number to beat is 6,666,666,666,666._

The score in the beginning is:

_Dad: 6,666,666,666,666._

_Me:0._

_For now._


	10. Damned in Blue

Title: Damned in Blue.  
>Timeline: Two years after DMC3. AU where Vergil returns to the human world.<br>Characters/Pairings: Vergil, Dante.  
>Genre: Humor.<br>Summary: In which Vergil falls in love.

* * *

><p>Damned in Blue<p>

* * *

><p>Vergil was a person who hated the idea of attachment; he was a half demon after all, and demons do not attach.<p>

No, demons do not sympathies, demons do not care, they do not cry, nor do they share.

And the most certain of them all was the fact that demons do not love.

_They. Do. Not._

His father was an exception, so don't you dare say a thing.

Love made a person weak and stupid, looking at the pathetic humans embarrassing themselves proved him that.

It was a curse rather than a blessing.

It was an illusion rather than a reality.

That was his opinion that he strongly believed in.

That is, until _now._

The first thing he thought when he saw her on the TV screen _ - _which was barely fixed_ - _was:

_Blue, b__eautiful__... and mine._

It was like she knew that blue was his favorite colour, and then coated herself with the richest shade of it. She moved gracefully between the hordes of celebrities and cameras, the flashes coming out from them made her skin glow even more, making other ones pale in the comparison of her.

_Oh, how he wished she was near him right now._

It was odd really; he wasn't possessive of anything related to the human realm before. But now he wished that everyone besides his beloved to cease existing. He watched in raging jealousy as some human scum was leaning on her, all while talking to woman he was obviously flirting with.

The man didn't deserve her, for he did not give her the attention that was rightfully hers. Looking longingly at her slender figure and sharp yet defined curves, Vergil swore that he would give this beautiful gem his undying care and love.

Yes, he had to admit he fell in love.

_Hard_, he might add.

He sighed dreamily when the camera focused on her again.

"What are you drooling at?" Dante's voice awoke him from his daydreams.

Looking at him with annoyance, Vergil tried to chase him off. "Nothing, now leave."

But Dante being himself didn't let go on the matter that easily. "Oh come on. It's not like everyday I walk in and see you staring at the TV like it shows the easiest way to rule the underworld." He then glanced at him doubtfully. "I seriously hope they didn't show that."

Deciding to ignore his brother's childish antics, he brought his attention back to his angel as the she grew even more stunning under the moonlight.

Sitting next to him, Dante searched for the thing his older brother was so caught up with, and after a minute of silence he found it.

"You sure know how to pick them." He grinned approvingly. "She's a beauty I tell you that."

That took Vergil's stares from the screen to his twin. "You know of her?" he asked with an obvious curiosity.

At his question Dante snorted. "Who wouldn't? Fine ones like her are always known."

"What do you know then?"

He gave him a look of disbelief. "You were too busy trying to end the world, weren't you?" The other glared. "Okay, okay! All I know is that she's Itallian, famous, and way out of your league."

Vergil scoffed at the last part. "I'm talking seriously here, Verge. You have to be loaded to get her, and you're flat out broke."

"I have money Dante."

"A dollar doesn't count, I gave it to you when you wer-" The phone thankfully rang and saved Vergil the humiliation.

As his brother was too busy yelling at the caller for mistaking the shop for a hotel, he plotted for ways to get money fast.

_I could get rich. __After all, who says that you have to get money legally anyway?_

So he set out on his quest, determined to reach his beloved.

He had to get that Ferrari.


	11. Frame My Mother's Day

Title: Frame My Mother's Day.  
>Timeline: Two years after DMC3. AU where Vergil returns to the human world.<br>Characters/Pairings: Vergil, Dante, Eva.  
>Genre: HurtComfort, Family.  
>Summary: Only one thought occupied their minds at that moment, one thing they wished to say out-loud but they couldn't.<p>

* * *

><p>Frame My Mother's Day<p>

* * *

><p>His brother was quiet.<p>

_Too_ quiet.

If there was something Vergil was sure of, it was the fact that Dante was never quiet, especially when he was with him. He mocked, taunted, and teased him to in the most annoying and constant matter.

But now?

"What are you planning? You won't be able dye my here pink even if you spent your entire life on it." A quiet Dante meant trouble, and he'd be damned if got involved with his shenanigans.

Dante just looked up at him, not uttering a single comeback.

_Alright then, either Dante has become sick somehow, this guy isn't him, he is dreaming, or the world is ending._

.

.

.

Nope, not hearing the sounds of the Apocalypse.

Suddenly his brother stood and headed towards the door, and quickly noted before he left, "There is some pizza left in the fridge. I'm not coming back today so you have the place for yourself."

Vergil didn't know what came over him but he found himself asking, "Are you alright?"

Dante's back was facing him so he couldn't see his expression, but he noticed that his hold on the door knob tightened. "Oh, so you're worried about me Verge? My, do I feel flattered!" He waved him off, back still turned towards him. "There is no need to, I'm fine really."

Vergil scoffed. "Who said anything about me worrying?"

"And here I thought you loved me." He turned his face towards him, showing that he was smirking.

"Say that again and your head will decorate this sad excuse of a shop," Vergil replied coldly, hands already on Yamato.

"That's what I thought, you caring about me is really creepy, you know." And with a salute, he left, leaving Vergil twitching with anger. And after calming himself, he grabbed the book he was reading earlier.

_"...I'm fine really."_

With a sigh, Vergil closed the book.

Clearly, his brother was lying.

* * *

><p>What was up with him today? Why was he that worried over Dante of all people?<p>

Maybe he should send a jacket to Mundus.

_"Yeah?"_ A drunken voice slurred over the phone.

"Did you send Dante on a job?"

_"W-who are youuu?"_

"You pathetic thing that I won't even call a human, did you send send Dante on a job?"

_"Linda, is that you? You finally remembered to call your sweet Enzo after soooo long!"_

"I'm going to find you," Vergil hissed venomously, "and when I will, consider yourself dead."

_"I'm totally digging your way for speaking you know? It's such a tur-"_

Cue for the phone to be brutally hung up.

It was obvious that the Itallian trash didn't contact his brother, so with a huff he dialed on the phone again, _now to the other one._

_"Hello?"_ said a familiar female voice. _Not drunk_, he noted gratefully.

"Do you know the whereabouts of Dante?"

_"Oh, it's you_." It was a known fact that he and Lady didn't get along, no matter how much Dante urged them to be. _"I don't know. Shouldn't you, his brother, know?"_

"And shouldn't you,_ his best friend_, know too?" He shot back.

_"Ouch."_ The way she said it sounded like she was holding back a smile. _"What did he tell you before he left?"_

"Just that he was going out for the whole day."

_"Hmmm... wait! What is the date today?"_

"May 13th. Why?"

_"That explains it."_

"Explains what?"

_"Whenever that day comes, he just disappears only to come the after smelling like flowers."_

Vergil raised an eyebrow then. "Flowers?"

_"Yeah, I know. Dante can't stand flowers, so to be literally flowing of them is weird."_

"What else?"

She told him about how uncharacteristically quiet his brother would be on this time of year, Vergil was only living with him for only a year so he didn't see him like this. It really made him wonder about what could make Dante behave like that. When he asked Lady about where he could be at, she said the only thing Dante ever told her was '_To Evanstrom's_' which she didn't have an idea where it was.

_Evanstrom? Wasn't that...?_

Eyes widening, Vergil knew where his brother was at.

* * *

><p><em>"Mom, look at this frame, it's much cooler than Vergil's!"<em>

_"You don't possibly think that this eyesore of a frame would fit mother's picture?"_

_"Boys, we're not looking for a frame for my picture, we're looking for one for yours," Eva finally said, attempting to end their argument, b__ut the twins ignored her and continued bickering. Sighing, she grabbed the nearest frame and showed it to them. "How about this one?"_

_That made them stop, and taking the frame she chose, they inspected it like some kind of art critics._

_"So, what's the verdict?"_

_"It's too old," Dante stated._

_"It's classical," she defended._

_"What ever it is, it wouldn't do good to the glorious beauty of yours." Okay, maybe Vergil had been spending too much time with his father._

_"I like it." She looked at them, all puppy-eyed._

_And that was enough to convince them._

_Adding two other frames to the shopping's, she headed to the cashier, her boys following suit. Mr. Evanstrom, the shop's owner, beamed at the sight of them. "Hello Eva, how are doing?"_

_Putting what she bought on the counter, Eva replied, smiling wide. "I'm fine, how is your wife?"_

_"Alive and kicking, and still bossing me around." Despite the complaining, the obvious fondness in his voice was hard to miss._

_Ever since Vergil and Dante's birth, she would come here at this shop every year in this day - Mother's Day, to be exact. When he asked her why, she replied that she considered the birth of her twins to be her gift for that day, so she felt that the best way she could celebrate it was to take pictures of them, but her children had a tendency to break everything, hence the buying of the frames._

_This year was the sixth one that she entered his shop, her adorable children were with her too. He gave them two pieces of candy from the ones that remained when he bought it to his own kids._

_"Say thank you to Mr. Evanstrom," she told her silver-haired twins. Unlike most of people in this town, he and his wife thought the color was rather charming._

_"Thanks!" the younger twin said energetically._

_The older just gave a formal. "Thank you." Mr Evanstrom thought that he would grow to be a responsible young man._

_The three then bid him goodbye and left, leaving him smiling fondly after their trail._

_"What a beautiful family."_

* * *

><p>The shop was the same as it was sixteen years ago, Vergil mused. Nothing had changed except that it got painted. He couldn't help but to feel a little nostalgic, after all the last day he was with his moth-<p>

_Don't think about it._

"Vergil... is that you?" The voice took his attention away from the painful memories, and turning around, he saw Mr. Evanstrom standing behind him. Unlike his shop, he changed, time wasn't too kind to him; the tired kind eyes, wrinkled features, and pale ash hair told very much about it. He was far from the energetic man he used to be many years ago.

"Yes," he replied simply.

And with that, the man broke into a smile. "It's been ages since I've last seen you! What were you up to?"

"Uh..."_Opening the gates to the demon world? _"... nothing much."

Mr. Evanstrom just chuckled excitedly. "You're still shy as ever, my boy. Do you want to buy a frame too?"

"Not at this moment, I'm looking for Dante."

The other gave a slightly confused look, probably wondering why he himself didn't know the whereabouts of his brother, but he shrugged it off eventually. "He was just here ten minutes ago, I think he went that way." And he pointed towards a nearby Tulip field.

_This just confirmed my suspicion._

"Thank you." He was about to leave when Mr. Evanstrom stopped him.

"I'm sorry."

When Vergil faced him, he continued. "I don't know what happened to you two, but when I see that sad look on your brother's face, I know it has something to do with your mother. Dante has been visiting me this time every year, just like she used to."

_'...just like she used to.'_ Did he knew about what happened?

Vergil only nodded solemnly, noting quickly before he left, "Don't be, it wasn't your fault."

_It was mine._

* * *

><p><em>"Could you two slow down a bit? I'm not as fast as you are." Eva chuckled, highly amused by her children's antics.<em>

_"We'll show you something!" Dante exclaimed happily._

_Now she grew curious. "Oh, what is it then?"_

_Vergil had a mischievous smile on his face. "It's a surprise!"_

_If Vergil was smiling like that, it was either something disastrous or wonderful. _

_Eva became reasonably worried._

_"Close your eyes!" the two ordered after stopping so suddenly, and she complied without protesting, inwardly wondering what were they up to. She felt them taking her hands as they guided her._

_"Open them!" they ordered again, and when she did, she gasped._

_In front of her was the most beautiful sight she ever landed her eyes on. She never knew that there was a Tulip field in this town, how did her twins discover it?_

_"Do you like it?" they both asked in one._

_She was still dazed by the sight. "It's beautiful, I love it." _

_That earned her a grin from them._

_"When we saw it, we thought it looks like you!" her younger twin stated._

_"Huh?" was her only response, confused about what did they mean._

_As if reading her thoughts, her older twin answered, "the Tulips have your eyes's color when the sun sets."_

_That..._

_That has to be the most sweetest thing a child could ever say to his mother! Really, was she a lucky woman or what?_

_She hugged the two of them on the spot, squeazing the life out them. "Thank you, darlings! Such a lovely thing to think about me!"_

_"Mom, we're kinda dying in here," Dante said, but he was smiling brightly nonetheless._

_"Oh, sorry about that." She let go of both of them, but they really didn't step away from her that much._

_"How about we frame the pictures we took today here," Vergil suggested._

_"It would be nice hun, but we don't have-" The two pulled out the pictures instantly. "Never mind."_

_And so they framed all the pictures, even the one when she wore that black dress. The three of them spent the entire afternoon in the field, Sparda would freak out when they would get home late, but he would understand if she told him what happened._

_Looking at her boys lovingly, she thought that she couldn't be happier._

* * *

><p>Just as he thought, his brother was there, sitting amidst the blue flowers.<p>

"Took you long enough," he said without looking at him.

"I made the mistake of calling that Itallian first."

Dante chuckled, much to his annoyance. "You shouldn't call him while he's drunk, he'll hit on you."

Then came a moment of silence.

"So," his brother started, finally glancing at him, "why are you here?"

Vergil didn't give him an answer and only sat silently next to him, which got Dante confused. "You're being really weird today Verg-"

"You forgot this." Vergil cut him off, handing him their mother's picture that was usually on Dante's desk.

"I... I thought I took it earlier. I must've been in a hurry," Dante muttered, taking the picture.

"Did you buy a new frame for it?"

"Yeah, I change it every year." True to his word, he brought the new frame for him to see.

"Change it then." And he did.

The two of them then sat in silence then, the Tulips around them gently swaying with every breeze.

Only one thought occupied their minds at that moment, one thing they wished to say out-loud but they couldn't.

_Happy Mother's Day, Mom._


	12. Sweet Sixteen

Title: Sweet Sixteen.  
>Timeline: One year after DMC3.<br>Characters/Pairings: Dante, Lady.  
>Genre: HurtComfort, Friendship.  
>Summary: Lady deserved to be a teenager for once.<p>

* * *

><p>Sweet Sixteen<p>

* * *

><p>Today was a normal day at the Devil May Cry; nice weather, no gore and everything was peaceful.<p>

Dante didn't get a job for a while that he started to think that all the demons had taken a vacation. So he sat there lazily next to his somewhat partner and could-be-friend - best friend, really - Lady who was, for some unfathomable reason, watching MTV.

_What the...?_

He glanced at whatever she was watching and found out that it was a show called _'My Super Sweet Sixteen'_.

Being the wise-guy he was, he quickly started teasing. "So now you're watching this, huh Lady? Never knew you liked teen flicks."

But Lady didn't say anything and continued to fix her attention on the TV screen.

Frowning - _pouting, actually -_, he decided that he would watch the thing with her.

"Spoiled brat," he said after five minutes of watching. The one who was having her birthday party was crying her heart out because her dad had brought her a wrong colored car (she asked for a baby pink car and he bought her a pink one). Dante really didn't see the difference.

Why was Lady even watching this crap? Minutes of watching it and he was ready to kill someone.

_Maybe she was making fun of it in her head_, he reasoned, becoming convinced with his theory.

After the show finished, he said, "I swear they put these kind of shows just to get someone to kill himself."

"Yeah." Lady nodded, looking rather absent-minded, getting up and leaving wordlessly.

_What's up with her? _he wondered.

He stared at the TV for a while, trying his hardest to find a reason for Lady's odd behavior, before he snapped in realization.

_Should I do something about it?_

_Nah..._

_._

_._

_._

He sighed.

_Why do I have to be such a good guy?_

* * *

><p>"A cake should not be this expensive," Dante noted, looking doubtfully at the bakery's clerk.<p>

"It's made out of the finest materials," the clerk defended.

"Oh yeah, it looks like a scam to me."

"Then choose another cake." The clerk shrugged, obviously annoyed.

"No, I like this one."

"That'll be one hundred dollars."

"Look, I can pay fifteen, no more."

"Then I suppose you should go to another bakery, or buy a muffin."

"Okay, twenty, and that's quite generous coming from me."

"No."

"Twenty three."

"No."

"Twenty five and that's final."

"No."

"You're an asshole, you know that?" Dante said finally, giving the other hundred dollars with obvious grief.

"I get that a lot," the clerk said, smiling rather sadistically at Dante. "It's been pleasure doing business with you, the cake will be ready for you to take tomorrow."

"Yeah, yeah, just don't forget to write down what I told you before." The devil hunter sighed dejectedly, it was a battle he couldn't win. He wasn't good with bargaining really, but if he had Vergil with him...

Well let's say he would've gotten that cake for free.

Before he left the bakery, the clerk called out after him. "Good luck with your girlfriend~!"

_How the hell did he... wait a minute, she's not my girlfriend! Although I don't mind her being- no, don't even think about it._

* * *

><p><em>"So, how old are you babe?" Dante asked while they were walking away from the Temen Ni Gru tower's ruins.<em>

_"Why should I answer you?" Lady shot back, looking at him confusedly at his sudden question._

_"Oh don't be so difficult Lady, just tell me!" He insisted, somewhat whining._

_She sighed. "From now, sixteen."_

_"Huh?"_

_"Today I became sixteen."_

_"So you're a kid still, huh?" Rubbing his chin, Dante smiled amusedly._

_"Shut up!"_

_"Oh you're blushing, that's just cute~!"_

_"Let's see how cute I'm going to be after I shoot you."_

_"You sure are grumpy." He huffed._

_The two walked together in silence for a while before Lady asked, "And you?"_

_"Nineteen."_

_"And you tell me I'm a kid." She snorted._

_"At least I'm older than you."_

_"Only by three years!"_

_"Older than you by a day, wiser than you by a year."_

_"You just made that up, didn't you?"_

_He only chuckled in respons, ruffling Lady's hair much to her dismay._

* * *

><p>Thinking about it now, he realized that Lady spent her 'sweet sixteen' trying to stop her father and kill him.<p>

Her 'sweet sixteen' was the day she lost her last family member.

He understood the reason why she was so entranced with that teen show now, and he just hoped whatever he was doing to be worth it.

He wanted to wipe that expression off of her face, for Lady_ really _wasn't suited with the sad look.

* * *

><p><em>Is today the 'National Cake Assassination Day'?<em>

He slashed a demon with one hand, holding the cake with the other.

_Do demons normally go after cakes this relentlessly?_

After going through the pain of waking up early in the morning, Dante, mood impossibly sour, headed to the bakery where the clerk from yesterday greeted him brightly.

"Hi again mister! I'll pack your order at once!"

_Why was he this cheerful at six in morning?_

_I bet he's high._

High on crack, or high of the fact that he stole hundred bucks from him (he was still convinced that he was robbed).

"Have a nice day~!" He exclaimed, giving him the packed cake.

_Have a nice day yourself... __in hell._

It was when he was heading to his shop, trying not drop the cake, that a group of Hell Prides attacked him.

Or attack the cake to be exact.

It was as if they _knew_ that he paid a lot of money to buy it.

_The bastards!_

The shop seemed very far when he was dodging and spinning and jumping and balancing to protect the pack.

He sighed in relief when he finished killing the last of them, turning to continue walking to his shop, and he almost danced in joy when he saw that it was very close.

But then, someone had bumped into him, causing the cake to fall.

_The freaking cake fell down..._

"Watch where you're going!" the other guy barked, clearly annoyed and oblivious to what he had done.

Dante wasn't the one to go after humans, but there was always an exception.

Screams promptly filled the street.

* * *

><p>Lady didn't have a clue as to why Dante had called her yesterday and asked her to come at exactly three in the afternoon. But she didn't exactly have anything better to do anyway so she went along with it.<p>

She was surprised to find him moping and looking clearly depressed that he didn't even notice her entering.

"Dante...?" she asked hesitantly, not sure what to say.

As if someone punched him in the face, he snapped out of his trance and looked at her in utter shock.

"Shit! I totally forgot that I asked her to come..." he mumbled, and he started pacing.

He kept pacing around, muttering _'Should I go ahead with it?_' and _'Maybe I shouldn't...'_

Lady, having enough with this, started. "So... uh... what did you call me here for?"

Dante stopped pacing and sighed _'Might as well continue'_. "Here, take this," he answered, giving her a small box.

She looked at him, confused. "Well, what are you waiting for? Open it." He urged her impatiently, and she complied.

When she opened it, she was surprised to see a beautiful white, silver-handled gun with a carving she couldn't understand.

As if he read her thoughts, Dante explained. "_'S__ignora In Bianco'_: Lady in white, nice huh? I modified it so you wouldn't have to load it too much, it will save a lot of money. And if you're asking how the hell can I speak Italian, my mom taught me."

"Isn't it expensive?" was all she managed to say, too shocked to utter anything else.

"Nah, not really. All I needed was a gun and time, which I had lots of it these days." His dismissing answer had left her awestruck; she knew that Dante was talented in making guns but she didn't know he was _that_ talented!

"Why did you choose that name?"

He looked thoughtful for a second. "When I first didn't know your name, I called you that in my head, since you were wearing white."

_That is rather... romantic._

_I did not just think that!_ she exclaimed mentally, blushing to her ears.

"So, what do you think?"

"W-what?" Lady asked nervously, she didn't exactly hear him for she was busy fighting her blush.

"Did you like it?"He asked again, looking totally amused.

"I think it's beautiful, I really love it," she sincerely said, already trying to aim with it. "But what's the occasion."

"I'll tell you later." He sighed as he opened a pack. "Now before you say anything, it's not my fault that it turned out that way, the guy paid for it _dearly_ anyways," he quickly noted, grinning sadistically at the last part.

_Poor soul_. "Is that... a cake?"

"Was a cake, it's edible though," he defended.

She stepped forward to get a better look at it. She was having a hard time identifying what was written on it since the cake got very mushed.

_Ha..p...Swee... 16..La..._

After a minute of filling the blanks, she figured it out.

_He couldn't be, right?_

"Your shocked face is just adorable."

She looked at Dante and saw that he was smiling, not a smirking, not a grinning, but a genuine, honest _smile_. "Happy Sweet 16, Lady."

To say that she was shocked was an understatement. "You do know that I'm seventeen now, right?"

"I know."

"And that today is not my birthday?"

"I know."

She kept staring, he kept smiling until she broke into a smile. "Give me that cake!"

And so they sat there and ordered pizza (much to Lady's dismay) and ate the cake (which, although it was mushed, was just _wonderful_). Lady still couldn't believe that Dante went through all this trouble for her, and she couldn't believe how happy she was for that.

This was the best sweet sixteen in the world in her opinion, the ones on MTV be damned.

Before she headed to go home, she promised. "I'll take good care of it," twirling the gun that was given to her.

"Didn't expect less," Dante replied, grinning.

And much to his surprise, Lady stepped forward and hugged him.

"Thank you, Dante. This means a lot to me," she whispered.

His eyes widened before he slowly returned the hug, and he replied, chuckling softly, "You're welcome, Lady."


	13. Mistaken For: A Priest

Title: Mistaken For: A Priest.  
>Timeline: Three years after DMC3. AU where Vergil returns to the human world.<br>Characters/Pairings: Dante, Vergil.  
>Genre: Humor.<br>Summary: In which Dante loses his coat.

* * *

><p>Mistaken For: A Priest.<p>

* * *

><p>"Where is your ugly leather coat?" Vergil asked, wondering why in the world would his brother wear what he was wearing right now. <em>It's not Halloween yet.<em>

Dante let out a sigh at that.

"A lot of crap happened today..."

* * *

><p><strong><em>Three hours before.<em>**

_Annoying debt collectors..._

_I don't have the money right now so why bother stalking me?_ Dante thought to himself, hiding behind a newspaper he was pretending to read. There was a sound of a throat being cleared next to him, but he was far too busy watching out for his pursuers.

"Excuse me."

_Maybe if I hide here a little longer, they'll leave me alone._

"Excuse me."

_I really should stop breaking my doors; it takes a lot of cash to fix them every time._

"Excuse me, rude boy!"

_And I should cut down on the pizza..._

_...Nah._

"I will beat the shit out of you if you don't give me my damned newspaper soon!"

It was then that Dante noticed the angry as hell middle-aged man sitting beside him.

_It was his?_ "Alright, alright don't pop a vein on me," he said, giving the man his newspaper.

"There he is!" The debt collectors exclaimed.

_Damn you! _Dante glared murderously at the guy who was obliviously reading without a care in the world.

He sprinted away with an unhuman speed toward his shop; they didn't know where it was since he always made sure of that fact. But today they caught him getting out of a diner. Normally, running away was the last thing that came up to his mind, but since he couldn't kill them (they were humans after all), he had no other choice.

"Where's our five thousand, Tony?!" one of them yelled out, trying to shoot him.

_Those bastards._ It was times like these that he would agree with Vergil on his thoughts about humanity. _One month, one freaking month and I'll give them their money! It's not like that I'll die anytime soon._

He then saw a telephone booth and grinned. Taking advantage that his chasers were out of sight for the moment, he quickly got into it.

"I'll just stay here for a while," he reasoned.

But then a yelp got his attention.

Behind him was an old man, and judging from the clothes he was wearing, Dante concluded that he was a priest.

"Please don't kill me! I don't have money I swear!" The poor old man was shaking like a leaf.

"Relax I'm not trying to rob yo-" And that was when he got an idea.

"Mind lending me your clothes?"

* * *

><p><em>It's a little bit large for me but it'll will work, <em>Dante thought as he examined his appearance. He was still grieving over his beautiful red coat _(which the priest thought was very cool by the way),_ but sacrifices had to be made, he really didn't want to go to court.

If he managed to get home he'd probably never leave it for a very long time.

It was then that a hand dragging him from nowhere awoke him from his thoughts.

"There you are! We've been waiting for you for two hours!" He saw that it was a woman who was wearing a rather fancy dress.

He tried to tell her that she had mistaken him for someone else, but the woman heard none of it.

"We need to hurry the wedding will start soon!" she exclaimed, looking utterly panicked.

_Oh shit..._

* * *

><p>So here he was.<p>

A half demon.

Wearing a priest's clothes.

In a church.

_Mundus must be laughing his ass off somewhere._

"Dearly beloved and whatnot," Dante started, obviously not knowing what the hell he was doing; he never been to a wedding before let alone be a priest.

The bride and groom looked at him confusedly, all while the bridesmaids eyed him dreamly.

"Uh, we gather this day to witness the union of two google?" _What the hell was this sad excuse of a hand writing? _he thought, reading from the notebook that was in old man's pocket.

"People," the bride corrected with a hiss.

"...People. Will you Anne-"

"It's Jen," she corrected again.

"...Jen Sto-"

"It's Smith."

"...Smith take Brad-"

"It's Mike."

At that Dante closed the notebook. "Look lady, do you want to get married or not?"

"Yeah bu-"

"Then shut the hell up."

And with a sigh he spoke. "Let's start again." He pointed at the groom. "You."

"Yes?"

"Do you want to marry this woman?"

"Yes." He nodded with a smile, ignoring the unusual way Dante was holding the ceremony.

"And you?" Dante asked the woman.

"Yes," the woman answered, clearly not happy with how things were going.

"Anybody wants to say no?"

"I do!" a man shouted from the back.

"Piss off," Dante replied flatly.

The guy ignored him and looked at the bride. "Jen, I loved you for so long..."

The groom was shocked to say the least. "Jerry, how can you do this to me? You're my best friend!"

"Because he's a bastard." Dante reasoned. "I'll take my leave now."

"Don't!" Everyone in the church shouted at him.

"Alright, alright, just don't eat me," he mumbled.

Jerry just continued, "I told myself to hold my feelings back but I couldn't! I just had to tell you..."

Dante, forced to stand there and watch this drama unfold, snorted. "On her wedding day."

"I know this might be too late; you're getting married..."

"Gee, what gave you the idea?"

"I remember our times together, you told me you loved me..."

"Well clearly she doesn't now."

"You told me that I was your prince charming..."

"I give up on humanity."

"I, too, have something to say!" a woman from the back also exclaimed. "Mike, I love you!"

Dante face palmed.

Jen who was silent since the start of the whole ordeal, jumped on the woman screaming. "What?!"

Soon enough, everyone broke into what could-be-considered a bar-fight, screams and shouts and groans of pain filled the church.

But as much as he liked watching that, they were fighting for a while and he really wanted to go home.

So he shot the ceiling.

"Everyone will shut up right now."

They did.

"Now let's get this over with. You two," he spoke to the bride and groom, "do have any feelings for them?"

"No," they quickly answered, much to the other two's horror.

"Then their opinions don't matter." He sighed tiredly. "I now announce you man and his wife. You may kiss the bride," Dante said with a dismissing hand wave.

And with that, it was over.

Rice was falling, people were cheering, and Dante vowed he would never marry.

* * *

><p>"So debt collectors chased you."<p>

"Yup."

"You stole a newspaper and an old man's clothes."

"Yup."

"You were dragged to a wedding."

"Yup."

"And was forced to be a priest."

"Yup."

"That's one shitty day," Vergil said, laughing his head off. Dante wasn't in the mood to reply and just went to his room tiredly.

But after fifteen minutes of laughing, Vergil realized something.

_Dante became a priest?_

.

.

.

_What the fuck?!_


	14. Gratitude to the Ungrateful

This oneshot is dedicated to the lovely **MarinaEverlasting**,who is an awesome writer and a good friend ^^ I hope that this is decent, it's kind of the first time I ever write these two interacting together like this.

Title: Gratitude to the Ungrateful.  
>Timeline: Three years after DMC3. AU where Vergil returns to the human world.<br>Characters/Pairings: Vergil, Lady and finally, Dante.  
>Genre: Angst, HurtComfort, Friendship?  
>Summary: Dante was the reason they didn't like each other, but he was also the reason that made them acknowledge each other eventually.<p>

* * *

><p>Gratitude to the Ungrateful<p>

* * *

><p>The moment Lady saw the older Sparda twin in the Devil May Cry, she shot him.<p>

Vergil, of course, was not amused by such act, so he unsheathed Yamato and Lady aimed Kalina at him in response.

If Dante didn't get between them a second after, Lady would've been sliced to tiny pieces and the shop would've been reduced to ruins.

"We need to talk," Lady said, sending death glares to Vergil who, in return, sneered at her.

* * *

><p>"Why is he here?" Lady couldn't believe that Dante was letting him stay at his shop, couldn't believe that he even put any amount of trust in him after what he did in the past.<p>

But Dante just smiled at her, assuring her that she had no reason to worry. "He's still a cold bastard, but he's Vergil."

_But he hurt you!_ Lady wanted to protest in return, but she kept her mouth shut; saying it would just remind Dante of old sorrows.

So she just sighed and nodded in acceptance, and left the shop after telling Dante about a job she had for him.

Dante might be convincing himself that Vergil turned sides because he wanted his family back, but Lady wouldn't trust that bastard.

_I'm not letting you hurt him again,_ she vowed.

* * *

><p>As the times passed by, the grudge between her and Vergil deepened even more. Every time Lady visited the shop, she would exchange hateful glares with him until Dante would finally get sick of both of them and decide to cut off their hate-fest.<p>

"I'm getting tired of this shit." He would sigh, not that any of the two gave him any attention, for they would start insulting each other at that point.

Things between them didn't change.

Until one day, Lady burst through the doors of Devil May Cry, looking clearly troubled.

"What do you know about the Dead Zone?" she immediately asked him, face deathly pale and hands shaking.

It didn't take long for Vergil to know what happened.

_Dante..._

* * *

><p>The Dead Zone was some sort of a demonic prison used to seal off powerful demons who couldn't be easily killed. It was a dimension that only one kind of demons called The Zonias knew the way of.<p>

That was what Vergil informed her of when she asked what he was looking for in one of the forbidden libraries he liked so much.

"It's your fault," Vergil coldly accused, skimming through a spell book with blinding speed.

Lady didn't want to hear that; she was already tired from the guilt that was weighing her down ever since Dante pushed her out of that Zonias's spell range, so she muttered quietly, "Shut up..."

"There's a reason why I told Dante to stay away from humans and not get attached to them; they're weak..."

She really didn't want to hear it. "Shut up..."

"They will only hurt you and use you to survive."

She rose up from her seat and pressed her gun at his chest. "Don't you _dare_ compare me to you! You're the one who wanted to use him for your mad quest! You're the one who nearly _killed_ him! You're the one who rejected his attempt at saving you! You're the one who strolled back into his life expecting to be forgiven after everything you did!"

His eyes looked pained as he gazed silently at her for a seemingly endless amount of time before he finally whispered, "You won't understand..." and walked away.

"I understand enough. You hurt him," she called out after him, causing him to stop for a moment.

"I know," he replied, and continued walking to another section of the library.

* * *

><p>After a long while, Vergil found what he was looking for. He quickly started doing the summoning of the Zonias, not bothering to tell his annoying companion about it. It didn't take long for a black fog carrying sinister whispers along with it to appear around him.<p>

"My, what a surprise!" the demon exclaimed upon seeing him, "I didn't expect to ever see a Sparda summoning me, how delightful~!"

However, Vergil didn't have time for chit-chat. "Open the Dead Zone," he ordered, pressing the sharp edge of Yamato on the demon's neck.

"And why would I ever do that? Isn't this what you wanted all along?" the demon asked, looking utterly amused despite being threatened. "Your brother took everything you wanted from you, your mother's love, your father's power..."

"Isn't better if he was _out_ of the way? Forever...?"

"No..." Vergil replied slowly.

"Are you sure? You can pretend that he doesn't even exist. You won't have to live with the guilt anymore."

"He said no the first time, are you deaf or something?" a female voice asked, and Vergil realized that Lady was there and pointing a gun at the demon's head. "According to this book I have here, it's not necessary to wait for you to open the Dead Zone, we could just kill you and the gate will open itself."

"But you do realize that my kind are not going to take this lightly if you do that," the Zonias tried to reason.

"We'll manage." Vergil smirked before he killed him.

* * *

><p>It took three hours of fighting an army of The Zonias, another two to navigate their rather confusing realm to get to where Dante was held captive.<p>

The bastard was sleeping all this time.

"Why do I even bother?" Vergil asked himself out loud, causing Lady to laugh at him.

* * *

><p>"So, why did you say no?" Lady asked, dragging the still sleeping Dante to the shop (Vergil refused to carry him because the drool would ruin his *stolen* fancy coat).<p>

"Who will pay the rent if I said otherwise?" he asked in return.

Lady translated this in her mind to: _I love him, he's family and I'm a cold-hearted bastard who won't ever admit that._

"Sure..." she said instead, opting not to voice her thoughts.

"You're alright," Vergil suddenly said after a moment of silence, "you're one of the few humans that I won't dream of murdering at night."

Lady didn't know whether to be flattered or terrified. "Uh, thanks?" She was confused when he stopped.

"No, thank you," he smiled a real smile for once, and Lady was amazed at how he and his brother looked like each other at that moment, "for being his friend."

Lady just smiled in return after getting the shock of what just happened.

"And thank you for being his brother."

* * *

><p>"Lady."<p>

"Yes?"

"You will forget about this conversation ever existing."

"Okay..."

"I mean it, one word to Dante and I swear I'll murder you."

"You're not good at talking to people, are you?"

* * *

><p>"Pizza again? When are you going to change your disgusting eating habits?" Vergil asked.<p>

"I agree. Can't you switch to something else, Dante?" Lady said.

Dante blinked as both his brother and best friend lectured him, wondering what the hell was happening.

_Okay, when I asked for the two of them to get along, I didn't mean this._


End file.
